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 Post subject: My Story: LoGun
PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 9:18 am 
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Mostly A Man. Mostly.

Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:51 pm
Posts: 5642
Location: Coogee Bay.
I know a few of you know where I've come from and the experiences I've been through but I though it was time to share it with the rest of you.

My fear of failure has been the one thing that has held me back for almost my entire life. Every time something got tough, I’d run from it. If I thought I could do it well then I’d give it a go but if it looked like I might not be in the top 5%, I’d run. This didn’t happen all the time, only when Id developed a sufficient ego that told me that I couldn’t fail because people expected me to succeed.

This stems back to somewhere early in my high school years. I’ve always had this belief that I could do things better than most. I’ve always been athletic and naturally good at sports. I’ve also always had the kind of mind that could deconstruct reality and find solutions and create new idea faster than most. And all of this was with a minimum of effort. I guess that was because it would allow me to have an excuse when I failed: ‘I didn’t even try…’ When you get into the habit of succeeding regularly, you become afraid of what not succeeding regularly would feel like. The loss, the shame, the embarrassment…

The first real manifestation I can remember of this happened with one of the most beautiful women I have ever been with, Claire. She was the most beautiful woman in the school. Piercing green eyes, beautiful pale soft skin, and gorgeous light brown hair… Stunning… Even though her physical beauty was unparalleled, it was her heart that enchanted me. Even at such a young age, she had the most amazing power to give from a place of pure love. Every thing and everyone was beautiful in her eyes.

We flirted for ages, off and on, and then one day, we got together. I don’t remember the specific moment but the next couple of months were drenched in oceans of joy. Then the thoughts started to creep in… What if you fail? What if you’re not good enough? What if you give it all and she dumps you? You’ve never had to work hard at anything and now you have to put effort in, what’s going to happen if she rejects you, dumps you, laughs at you?

Once those voices kick in, it’s all down hill from there. And it wasn’t just my relationship that went down hill; it was the rest of my life. We broke up after 9 months and she started dating my best friend. A guy who’d I’d been best mates with since we were 10. A guy who I’d been through everything with, growing up, learning, loving, fighting…

It still hurts today. Even as I write this, I can feel the sadness inside welling up. Chris, WHY??? Why would you do this? Why???????

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve thought about any of this stuff…

I don’t know if it was a physical manifestation of my personal unhappiness but I started to develop serious acne and that was it. I was so ashamed of the way that I looked that I couldn’t even engage the world. I’d failed at being good looking. I was different from everyone else in the worst way, the most obvious way. I carried my shame like a badge for everyone to see, right in front t of me. For the whole world to judge…

School was such an unhappy place for me that I was failing at everything these days. But, if I didn’t put any effort in then I wasn’t really being rejected, I was choosing not to succeed. I didn’t have to face my soul being judged, it was just some piece of crap that I didn’t care about anyway.

I dropped out of school by the time I’d finished year 10 and I was dealing with pretty serious depression. I had no real friends, I never left the house, I would hide myself away just so that people wouldn’t see me and judge me. If they couldn’t see me and they couldn’t judge me then they couldn’t not accept me.

By this point in my life, my social skills were terrible and even being in the same room as other people was too much! I’d spend the whole time running around trying to impress others and gain their validation when in reality, I was losing it faster and faster.

My fears were really starting to crush me by this time. I remember being invited to a good mates 16th birthday party. It was a pretty big deal. Everyone from school was going to be there. All the people I so desperately wanted to be accept by, all the beautiful girls, Rachel… This terrified me. What would they think of me? How would they judge me? “I’m really sorry but I’m really sick mate…” What a lie… but how could I tell him “I terrified that people are going to hate me, laugh at me, reject me!!”

Working in the real world did start to change things, only slightly though… At least I had responsibility and could receive some form of validation in my life, even if it was external. I started on this big ego roller coaster. I’d do well for a while and start to get the validation of those around me and as my ego got bigger, I’d start to get arrogant. Once I got arrogant and started to be an arsehole, people would validate me less and I’d go back down this spiral again till I hit the bottom. Once I was at the bottom, I’d lose the arrogance and people would start to validate me again and the process would just continue on like that. What a way to live… it wasn’t really even living though, it was just waiting. Waiting for the next piece of validation.

There was one event I remember very clearly. Throughout the course of the apprenticeship, we had to attend TAFE and undertake learning modules to cover elements that we weren’t going to learn on the job. We’d spend one week together every month and go over some basic stuff with 20 or so other apprentices. My marks were good as I was competing against guys who’d had minimal schooling but the ego validation roller coaster was still a big part of my life: I’d go up and then crash down again.

Lunch time: 20 guys who have known each other for nearly 3 years, all sitting in a class room together just shooting the shit. Easy? No. Fun? No. I just remember feeling abject terror. What are they going to think of me when I say the next stupid thing? Are they going to think I’m retarded? I certainly do! I can’t be in here. I have to get out. I have to run from their judgement and hide! I grabbed my food and bag… “Where are you going?” I just ignored the question. I made my way to the toilets, locked a cubicle door, and sat there in my own shame. I was running from judgment but what I didn’t realise was that I couldn’t hide from it because it was me that was my worst critic. I carried it around everywhere. It didn’t matter which party I didn’t go to or who I didn’t eat lunch with, it was me that was the problem.

Over the course of the next couple of years, I slowly started to create an internal validation mechanism. I started taking more responsibility in my football and in my life and I was able to start the process of creating the principles and guidelines that I live my life by now.

The big change in my life happened New Year’s eve, 2000. Even though I’d come a long way, I still didn’t really have any friends. There was really only one guy who put up with me through this time. It’d gotten to 4pm and I still didn’t have any plans for the night so I called my mate. He was going to a dance party called Harbor Beats and said I could tag along if I could get my hands on a ticket.

I was in luck, Ticketek had just a handful left of what I later found out were a bunch of tickets that should have never been released for the party. I’d never been to a dance party before but it was a moment that changed my world.

It was right under the Harbor Bridge so we got there early to secure a good seat for the 9 o’clock firework. Sitting around, chilling, the anticipation in the air created a really positive atmosphere. It was the first time in a long time that I’d felt able to really relax and be myself, I felt safe, I felt unjudged.

The fireworks were amazing but it was what happened after that really blew me away.

We all stood up and started walking towards the dance hall. I’d never been to a dance party before so I had no idea what to expect. I still remember it quite vividly; walking towards the warehouse entrance, the rumbling, the bass, as it pounded its way through the walls and floors. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I felt more alive in that moment than I ever had and we hadn’t even reached the doors yet! Bang, bang! That bass, it was unbelievable!

As we neared the doors, I got my first glimpse of what was to be the single most life changing event of my life. Lasers flashing and slicing across the room with surgical precision, the intense smell of stage smoke and sweat, the rising heat of 10,000 people all moving as one, the flashing strobes dancing across the writhing sea of humanity, and the music… the music…

I felt like I’d stepped into an alternate reality. A world of passion, love, unity, respect. It didn’t matter what you wore, it didn’t matter what you did, it didn’t matter who you were, you were all there for one thing: the music. It was a hedonistic celebration of our capacity to celebrate. It was reality shifting. It felt free for the first time in my life. I felt loved for the first time in my life.

It was a pure expression of individuality. There were people in shirt and tie, there were others in old shorts and torn t-shirts, there were others in furry leg warmers sucking on baby’s dummies! It didn’t matter, they were all there for one thing: the music. It was in that moment I realised that it wasn’t the fact that I was different that was my problem, it was the fact that I felt like I had to be the same that was causing me the issues in my life.

That was the first time in my life I’d ever felt comfortable having a conversation with someone who I’d never met before; at 20 years old, that was an monumental event.

I spent a lot of time in the dance party community over the next 6 moths; I felt free with them. As I started to relax and express more of my true self, the rest of my life started to pick up. I started going to parties and actually enjoying others for the first time. As my self-confidence grew, I was even able to start a relationship with an amazing girl. I learnt more about life and living from here than I had leant in the previous 20 years and for that, I cannot thank her enough.

After going our separate ways, I was fortunate to have relationships with some incredible women; truly profound human beings. They brought so much passion and love to my life that I could never convey my gratitude in words.

In 2006, my life took its next quantum leap forward. Looking back at that moment, it seemed so innocent but who would think that walking into the lounge room and picking up the Good Weekend could revolutionise your entire reality?

I was just looking for something to kill time before I headed off to football and this bald guy, stretched out over a beanbag just caught my attention. You may have heard of this guy before: Neil Strauss.

6 moths later, I finally bought The Game and that was where my journey into this reality began. Mystery Method was my first point of call but it just didn’t feel right to me. Surely it can’t be this hard! People have been starting relationships long before any of these rules were invented so why are they so necessary now? I moved through most of the major guru’s but they all suffered from the same limitations: rules. You have to do this and you can’t do that, why?? For every rule I found, there was someone who bent it and another who broke it. There were even guys who did the complete opposite! What made them so special? “They’re naturals, when you’re a natural, you can do whatever you want.” I didn’t buy it, what makes them different?

After stumbling across this concept of Inner-Game, it all started to make sense. Spirituality, religion, masculinity, and the community have all combined to help me realise that I have always had everything that I desired to have and have always been the Man that I desired to become. All I had to do was remove all the rules I had built up that was shielding them from the world.

This is what I believe in now. Remove the rules from your life and let your essence shine. You have everything you have ever needed and wanted in your life, all you have to do is remove the barriers that are holding it back.

Love.


LoGun

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 1:53 pm 
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Dr. Phil
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:07 pm
Posts: 217
Location: Anytime, Anywhere
Honestly, I have always looked up to you ever since I have met you: humourous, intelligent, socially savvy. I have always thought that you were already socially "cool" and just needed "pickup" to increase your game.

I remembered the time when I met you and the girl you were dating (from the Art of Attraction workshop). I thought to myself, "I am going to be so great at this that I can steal her from him. It's okay, he can get another girl. I will make this one mine! :D "

But through the course of getting to know you, your interactions with Steven, and your presence with the other brothers of this forum, I found something in you that attracted me to you everytime:

"Humanity"

You were never afraid to be human, never afraid to walk, eat, sleep, drink. You feared nothing of what the world judges. To simply be you, and keep moving forward. It was you and Steven's example that enabled me to find my true core; the one I have lost for so long.

It is an honor for me to be able to walk along side you in the journey to become great men in our own right. :D

PS: Yeah, she is HOT and I know, still is. I am glad to know she is happy and in the arms of a great man.

- John

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 10:10 pm 
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Arm Chair Therapist

Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:14 pm
Posts: 50
wow..., that was some post. It really got to me in a way. It's really incredible how indviduals like you Logun can endure your greatest fear and overcame it throughout your journey. You simply inspire me. And i just found a similarity between us, well actually two. Back in high school, i was also so scared of being accepted by people that I would either run away or don't behave like myself. It was an aweful feeling, the sense of pressure that's persuading me to not be who I am.

and also i started having bad acne after i broke up with my girl :p last year too. but I've been taking medication for it now.

I can't to meet you all guys and learn from you. :) This is only the beginning.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:18 pm 
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Lao Tzu
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:36 pm
Posts: 1247
Location: Jannali, Sutherland Shire
As you know man I have simple respect for you man, in every sense, I've honestly admired you as a person, as a man and as a mentor. To be honest without you and James, I'm not I would have made the progress that I have, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart man.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:07 pm 
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MasterClass Alumni
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Leigh thanks for sharing that. You've come such a looooong way man and you know it too. I remember you telling me this the sunday we went to David Jones to play Nintendo Wii (remember? when I whooped yo ass at tennis? :lol:

Have you ever heard that saying 'when the student is ready the teacher will appear'. I always thought it was BS. Surely the teacher cant be that smart. But the more I read your story the more I cant stop thinking about this quote. Maybe you were 'ready' for the dance party. Maybe you were 'ready' to learn about The Game even though you didnt agree with it.

I was watching this spiritual channel and the lady who was supposedly a ghost whisperer of some sort said 'the worst person in your life will be your best teacher' Interesting aye...

Look forward to catchin up with ya soon. Oh and take it easy on the women, I met one the other day who seems to have lost her voice. Do you know anything about this? :wink:

Love,
Brian

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:12 pm 
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Lao Tzu
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Location: Jannali, Sutherland Shire
He got a little to excited, vocal chords were damaged by the sheer impact


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:23 am 
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Mostly A Man. Mostly.

Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:51 pm
Posts: 5642
Location: Coogee Bay.
Briz wrote:
I remember you telling me this the sunday we went to David Jones to play Nintendo Wii (remember? when I whooped yo ass at tennis? :lol:


All I remember was having to get a shop assistant to change your nappy after I kicked your arse so hard that you squeeze a little one out. Oh crap! I promised I wouldn't tell anyone... sorry mate...

Briz wrote:
Have you ever heard that saying 'when the student is ready the teacher will appear'. I always thought it was BS. Surely the teacher cant be that smart. But the more I read your story the more I cant stop thinking about this quote. Maybe you were 'ready' for the dance party. Maybe you were 'ready' to learn about The Game even though you didnt agree with it.


It's an interesting concept. My take on it is that these opportunities exist all around us, much more frequently than we know, but it's only when we're able to take advantage of them that we actually perceive them.

I'm sure Steven will have a different perspective on it with the Harem of old men he's accumulating...

Briz wrote:

Look forward to catchin up with ya soon. Oh and take it easy on the women, I met one the other day who seems to have lost her voice. Do you know anything about this? :wink:


You can't prove that it was me who gave her throat syphilis! You can barely see my face in that video!

Catch you soon buddy,


LoGun

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:04 pm 
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Yes I still remember the look of astonishment on the shop assistant's face when she took the nappy off 8)

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 Post subject: Re: My Story: LoGun
PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 11:58 am 
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Mostly A Man. Mostly.

Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:51 pm
Posts: 5642
Location: Coogee Bay.
*** Bump ***

A couple of guys have been asking me about this so here it is.


LoGun

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 Post subject: Re: My Story: LoGun
PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 8:00 pm 
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Fucking inspiring shit!

You've come a long, LONG way mate :)


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