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Board index : THE LOUNGE : The Icing On Top.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 11:06 pm 
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Dr. Phil
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Location: Anytime, Anywhere
Breath: 1… 2… 3… This is exactly what I do whenever I am going to call someone that I really like. It is not because I have no confidence over the phone. It is to tell myself that I am into my body and outside my head. This is also to tell my new mindset to myself, “I’m with you. Girl, I am talking to you. I am paying attention to you. I will not leave you.”

Compared to a couple of years ago until just a couple of weeks ago, I was always frustrated about calling a girl up since I always tell myself, “You better not fuck up. Game her right and she will go out with you.” This gave me added pressure to the interaction and I would have a bad internal dialogue in my head saying, “You are not good enough for her.” Because of this, I became an angry and frustrated dater. I will get shot down over the phone or the date will not go well because I always wanted the end goal of gaming women instead of just enjoying her company, enjoying her.

I then called her, a girl I have a big crush on since I started work in a sales job last year March. We always had a good interaction: I would banter with her, connect with her, and be with her when needed. She was quite popular: they guys at work were hitting on her and she would flirt back. Back then, I would get quite jealous of the other guys and would just try to ignore it and do my own thing. But every time we pass each other in the hallway, I would look in her eyes: we want each other. I could feel it in my bones: I want to be with her as much as she wants to be with me.

However, I, for one, do not want to date workmates. It’s a choice I made for myself. I was protecting myself from the awkwardness but more importantly, I was trying to protect her from emotional and mental pain.

But when we were finishing the campaign, her last day at work is when I was preparing for my presentation for my final University paper. At first, I told my self, “I will let her go. I could find another girl.” But for some reason, I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

I made a decision to look for her, call people up, I even beg from guys who were hitting at her as well for her digits. I did it not from the place of utter desperation: I did it because I knew that if I didn’t say what I wanted to say to her, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I may have never known what it may have been, not what it should be.

After searching for the last 3 months, I found her digits from one of the supervisors at work that I went along well with. I was glad to get it, but was quite anxious at the same time. “What do I say to her?” “What would she say to me?” “What if she doesn’t like me?”

One thing that I have learned when I found my core was: “The only thing I can ever have with a woman is my moment with her.”

After a few breaths and telling a mantra to myself, I closed my door in my room. I wanted to keep my conversation intimate between her and I, even at a sweltering room temperature (I was continually sweating).

I then dialed her number in sheer anticipation and anxiousness. She answered and I talked to her in a fun and casual manner. I was having fun and just told her stories and she did the same. She laughed at my jokes and I knew that I was the same guy: I was comfortable with my anxiousness.

But one thing I realized when you are into your body and out of your mind is: You can feel the emotion of the other person, even if I cannot see her. I would know through balance of energy (how much she is putting on the interaction) and just utter interest.

I could feel already that there was something wrong: I was enjoying my interaction yet she was holding back: She was not holding back the words. She was holding back her emotions. Even over the phone, I could feel it so strongly. She knew why I was calling and I know that she knows. I might as well be honest with her.

With whatever manliness I have, I told her:
“ To be honest with you, I liked you from the start. I love your charm and vibrant personality. It was too bad that I was not able to able to talk to you personally about it since you left.

I went searching for you for months. For me, I could just have told myself, ‘”You were just another cute girl. I could find another one.” But there was something about you that made me want to know about you even more. And I know that, I will regret it for a long time if I don’t get this off my chest and tell you.”

She replied to me with:
“Wow, that took a lot of courage. I never realized that you looked at me that way. But, you know… I am seeing someone else.

I want to ask, did you regret what you said to me?”

All I remember was saying:
”I wanted to tell you that and so I could get it off my chest. I know that I will regret if I do not at least tell you that. Because to me…. You’re… a woman… who is worth getting to know more. I have no regrets.”

She told me one thing again. And for some reason, it was exactly what I wanted to hear from her:
“Thank you, but I think you misunderstand. I am seeing someone else.”

But instead of trying to do an endless statement of trying to like me, I composed myself and all of a sudden, a big grin was produced in my face. I felt rejuvenated. I felt elation. I felt that I was fucking alive.

All I remember was saying to her:
“It’ s great that you have someone that you really like. I hope that it all goes well with you. If I see you though, say hi, and we could have a fun chat.”

With that interaction, I finally realized what the exact definition of what escalation really is:

"What I love about you is…"

It is the ability of men to say things we like about girls with no apologies or excuses. We as men, have to tell women, why we like them, because women are turned on by the fact that we are turned on by them. This is called Leading.

Then one thing came to me, the essence of escalation. What escalation really means to men, what it really means to me:

Courage!!

Courage to give her a compliment without asking for anything back. Courage to show interest without hiding it. Courage to lead the interaction without any excuses or backtracks. And finally, the courage to love her completely and fully, and give her the chance to hurt us.

With this realization, I remembered one of the lines from Rocky Balboa:

It’s not how hard you can hit, it’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.

I knew that her saying that makes me one woman stronger, tougher and happier. And I thank her for that. I will always be grateful to her.

But, I knew that I did not end the interaction properly. I don't want to chase her to something she cannot commit. So after three hours later, I gave her my final text message:

“Hi _______, I just want to tell you that what I said today, I said it with the fullness of my heart and did it with no regrets. I only wish for your happiness and well-being and I hope that you stay charming and vibrant, the things that attracted me to you. Farewell – John Vicente”

As I sent this text message to her, I told her one thing in it as well:

“I may never be with you. But I will never forget you. I love you forever!”

- John Vicente

_________________
"If a person is confident enough in the way they feel, whether it is in art form or whether just in life, it comes off - you don't have anything to prove; you can just be who you are."

- Clint Eastwood


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 11:18 pm 
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Lao Tzu
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:36 pm
Posts: 1247
Location: Jannali, Sutherland Shire
That's exactly it, no games, no nothing, it's just love and the courage for you to keep giving it regardless of what happens


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:47 am 
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Dr. Phil

Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:15 pm
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Hi John,

Well I must say that that was a very courageous move to ring her up 'cold' like that. Well done my friend. That alone is worth a lot of points.

Just a few things I thought I might give you some advice on (since I'm posting like crazy these last few days).

It is good that doing this is helping you to understand yourself at a deeper level better. Whatever it takes. I found that learning this stuff did the same for me and is still continuing to do the same for me more than anything else I have done. I bet you never had courage like that before you started doing this stuff.

Now one thing that I really like about you mate is your almost obsession with making other people happy. That is the way it should be. I know that that is what you wanted to do with this girl. The only thing is that what might make one person happy is not necessarily what would make everyone happy. Will explain in a mo...

An attitude of giving is a good thing, but giving can be a double-edged sword. There is a reason why some people don't want to receive a 'gift'. When you give something to someone, even if they don't like you, it creates in them an emotional tension to have to reciprocate. They can only release that tension by giving back. Now this is a good thing when used properly, but that is why a lot of people resist 'free gifts'. They would rather just avoid the emotional tension altogether.

If you want to be giving, then there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. There is a way to do it which emphasizes the tension, and a way which neutralises the tension. That is one of the reasons why it is most important to make sure she is investing in you as much as you are in her. That way it is a two-way giving and the tension is neutralised (btw - there is good tension i.e. sexual tension, and bad tension. This is bad tension). She will be ok accepting from you if she can easily 'repay the debt'.

It is a great concept of escalation that "What I love about you is...", but it has to be a two-way thing. If you keep telling a girl all the different things you love about her after a while she is going to feel compelled to say something about you she loves, and she might not necessarily feel comfortable doing that, but she has to to release the tension. That is not really going to make her happy. I only do that in the later stages with a girl, after she has invested so much in me that the slightest compliment I give her sends her into a state of euphoria (I am remembering an example of doing that when a girl who had invested so much in me was going for a job interview and I said 'I thought you looked really good tonight' - she was dressed up for her interview - immediately her face completely lit up in an enormous smile and she nearly cried. She thanked me so profusely, just for a small compliment).

My dad is always trying to give me things but everytime he does I feel terrible. The reason is that when I was at home he would do something for me and then for the next month or so whenever he wanted me to do something he would say 'I did X for you and you can't even do Y for me'. I must have repayed the debt many times over but he would constantly reinforce the tension. That is one bad way of giving. But that same effect can happen when you give in a desperate way. Even though you are not asking for something back, if you portray a desperate vibe, it still communicates that you want something back from her. That you NEED something back from her. It amplifies the tension.

Quote:
I did it not from the place of utter desperation: I did it because I knew that if I didn’t say what I wanted to say to her, I will regret it for the rest of my life.


Ok, that sounds pretty desperate. You will regret it for the rest of your life???? Bro, she's only one woman!

(and if worse comes to worse you will always have ME :lol: )

There is a pickup line which is widely taught where you say 'Hey I thought you were really cute so I had to come and say hi'. Then of course there are variations of it to make it even more intense like 'Hey I just saw you walking by and I thought you were so cute that if I didn't come and say hi I would never forgive myself for the rest of my life and become so depressed that I would wish for nothing but to drown myself in a pit of rotten semen' (slight exagerration). And then of course there is the movie moment where you sloooowly crawl up to her like a whipped dog begging for mercy and plead with her to put you out of your misery by giving you a few minutes of her valuable time and talk to you.

Now I am not knocking those approaches (not even the movie moment). They all have their time and place (even the movie moment). But the trouble is that guys take them too seriously. I don't use them much, but occasionally I will. They are not really for me. The trouble is that guys are like 'You are so cute I HAD to meet you'. They take the words too literally and structure their whole attitude around it. One of the reasons I don't use it much is because it is hard for me to have a dominant, qualifying attitude and start off with that at the same time. It throws things out a bit for me. Other people can do it fine, but not so much myself.

Imagine you went shopping and you saw some glowing ripe, juicy mangoes going cheap so you bought a few. You might be saying to your mate 'They had these mangoes on special and they looked so delicious I had to grab a few'. You wouldn't be saying it like you were so desperate to grab those mangoes.

You will make her a lot happier by getting her to work for you than you will by giving her compliments. If you want to give her a gift, then give her the gift of working for you. She will appreciate that the most.

It was good that even in all of that you were still able to get inside your body and so listen to what was going on. If there is one thing you did well in all of this by the sounds of it, it was that you did an awesome performance under pressure (I can feel the pressure from just reading it) Just one thing I think you made a mistake on though...

You sensed that she was holding back emotionally. That is good that you sensed that. That is better than 99.9% of other guys. But your solution was to get even more emotionally intense with her. That kind of seems like if you are having dinner with someone and they are hanging fire on eating their food and you sense they are not all that hungry so you put more food on their plate to show them it is alright to eat. Now I know that it is good to go first and lead the way and all that. But that is generally when you have a girl who wants to go where you are leading her, and is just a bit fearful. As it was explained to me 'you have to turn the light on in the room before she goes in so that she doesn't go in in the dark.' That is cool but if she is trying to get out of the house then you don't go turning on all the lights in all the rooms.

An example where I recently used that was when I was getting a woman aroused and I said 'when you get very aroused, where do you first feel it in your body?' She was not answering me directly so I said 'Some girls I have talked to feel it in their stomachs, one girl first feels it in her nipples'. After that she said' Oh, well, I feel it first down there' She wanted to go along with what I was doing, but was feeling a bit weird talking about 'down there'.

One thing I have known for a while is that people act to other people the way they want it done to them (mostly, in these type of situations anyway). Her holding back emotionally was telling you that she didn't want intense emotions flying around right now. That doesn't mean you can't eventually lead her to intense emotions. It just means that you need to go where she is at for the moment until she feels comfortable enough to be led there. It is great to be vulnerable and it is attractive and all that, but the situation needs to be right for it otherwise it won't work. That is why I said that what might make one person happy may not make another person happy. In a different situation, maybe with a different girl, she would have appreciated what you said, but the time was not right for this one.

But all in all it is good to see that you are still active in working on this stuff and that it is improving not only your relationships with girls but also with yourself. You obviously had a lot of self-esteem to even call her in the first place.

Oh, and just a small note. If you are in a situation where lots of people are trying to flirt with a girl you are after and they are bantering and teasing her, just focus on building a deep connection with her. The other guys will get her sexually aroused with all their flirting, but when you are the different one who connects deeply with her, all that arousal will be aimed at you. Just remember to maintain a dominance and sexual tension in the connection so you are not just her friend. I first became aware of that strategy when Briz stole two girls off me. I am not sure if you remember but you were there both times. Since then I have used it to my advantage (love ya Briz).

Keep it up my friend.

Dave.


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