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Board index : THE LOUNGE : The Icing On Top.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:52 pm 
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Dr. Phil
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:07 pm
Posts: 217
Location: Anytime, Anywhere
Just a couple of hours ago, I encountered one of the scariest and
paralyzing things men would face in their dating lives: the Answering
Machine. I still remember distinctly what it said:

"Sorry the person you have dialled is currently unavailable at the
moment. Please hang up after the tone to notify them of your call."
I did hanged up after the tone. I have nothing to hide. The moment I
clicked on the hangup button, my best and worst friend, Social

Anxiety, came creeping in again, "Did you attract her enough? Did you
make her comfortable enough? I'll tell you now: SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU!!
Why do you think she is not answering you, just like the last time!?

She will just flake on you, try to evade you so you would give up, and
leave you broken again. I told you to game her right!"

I met her just under two weeks ago before the Australia Day Weekend.

She laughed at my jokes, we shared a couple of things about ourselves,
and even risked herself by giving me her phone number. I gave her an
honest and funny sms just to keep it fun. And with the advice of two
great coaches in this board (you know who you are =D), I did call her
just a couple of days later.

I called her on the Monday Australia Day weekend as I knew that
everyone is just having a chill after the 3-day partying mood. The
interaction went as follows:

4:15pm:
Me: Hey, How's it going? Her: Good thanks. How about you?

Me: I'm doing great. I thought you'd never asked! =D
(At this point, for some reason, I became quite shaky from nervousness
but not paralyzing)

Me: So what are you doing for now? I mean, what are doing at the
moment?
(Out of nervousness, asked two questons, but I was able to convey
straight to the point)

Her: I am driving to Canberra at the moment...

Me: My God, talk about wrong timing! =D
Me: What time would be best to call you?

Her: I don't know...
(When she responded, for some reason, she was extremely shy and
reserved. Quite the opposite as to how I met her. I did not really
think about it though, just being aware of it)

Me: Say somewhere around 8pm?
Her: I don't know...

Me: Tell you what, I'll call you at 8pm. Talk to you then.
Her: Okay, Bye.

I have put in my vibe and commitment into the interaction. I knew that
I could not do more than I could. I just tapped myself in the back and
just call her again.

8:15pm:
Me: Hey, how are you doing?
Her: Good thanks. How about you?

Me: Doing great. Say, is it OK to talk to you at the moment?
Her: I'm still driving (she sounded really tired).

Me: God. Talk about sense of timing. Note to self. Remind myself to
have a better sense of timing! :)
Her: I'll call you.

Me: Tell you what. This is what I am going to do: You enjoy Canberra
and I will catch up with you sometime in the week. Have a good night.
Her: You too.

After such interactions, I reflected back at the answering machine
incident and asked myself, "Is she really working this hard just to
get away from me?" Then something clicked inside me:
"Love is Never a Transaction"

I then grew a light smile on my face and told myself something, "Well
done. You did something nearly no one would endure in their lifetime."

As I say this to myself, Social Anxiety faded to the background. I say
this because I almost forgotten one thing:

"I forgot to love myself"

It's hard to love other people with nothing in return, but it's harder
to give yourself enough credit on something you are trying so hard for
to attain. It is very easy to bash ourselves in, making ourselves feel
more worthless and pathetic than we should be. However, it is
extremely difficult to give ourselves a compliment, especially when
something does not go our way. I believe that it takes courage to go
for the women we really want, but it takes more courage and character
to become great men we always wanted to be.

For now, I will be busy this week, even on the weekends, so I will not
be able to call her in the next two weeks. But I know, this is a good
thing. During that time, I can enjoy myself with life and just reward
myself for my hard work. Tonight, I will watch an anime called NANA
(its about love and life of two girls going through the struggles of
life in their perspective). I'll just take it easy and learn how to
emphathize. (Sorry, but I won't give anyone the satisfaction of seeing
me cry =D)

I can only then call her after two weeks. It is a risk, but it is a
risk I am willing to take. That is what Love is all about, right?

-John


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:54 pm 
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Mostly A Man. Mostly.

Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:51 pm
Posts: 5642
Location: Coogee Bay.
John, my friend. I love reading your reports because I can see you
growing through every single one. You have come such a long way since we
met nearly a year ago and it's great to see your dedication to getting
this area of your life handled.

There are some really beautiful things you've written here which clearly
demonstrate that you're getting this stuff sorted out. The courage to
love yourself is such an important element.

One of the things that I can see that is holding back in your
progression through this journey is that lack of tension that you are
creating with your women. This is a really common problem that a lot of
guys face and is usually one of the main reason that we can get the
women that we're not really interested in but struggle to get the ones
we really want.

The importance of tension is one thing that is very overlooked within
the community. It is at the basis of most of the projection (outer game)
techniques but it is almost always overlooked.

Tension is desire, it is emotion, it is that feeling of wanting someone
or something but not being able to get them. Tension with positive
sexual undertones is sexual tension; that is the emotion that we desire.

Tension keeps us at the edge of our seats, not knowing what to expect at
the next twist or turn. It fuels our passion and desire to engage any
medium, be it film, books, TV, sport, people, whatever it is that is
your pursuit of choice. Tension is chemistry.

Tension is crucial at every point in a relationship with a woman that we
desire to create or maintain a sexual relationship with. It changes form
throughout the relationship but if you lose the tension, you lose the
attraction. The tension begins when you first commence interacting with
a new person. A general progression goes something like this

1. Who is this person and what does he want?
2. This guys seems attractive. I wonder if he really is or if this is
just an act…
3. This guy really is the kind of guy that I’m looking for. I want to
know more about him.
4. I’m attracted to this guy and I trust him. I desire to get
commence a physical relationship with him.
5. I desire to interact with him very frequently but I can’t...
6. I do get to interact with him frequently but he makes me so happy
that I want to do it all the time.

Now, obviously, these are not the thoughts that go through a woman’s
head but are simply the broad stages as I see them. It is not designed
as a stage progression that you need to analyse but to simply show you
how the tension changes form.

One of the main reasons that a lot of guys do not have the success that
they desire with the women that they desire is that they diffuse tension
completely. They are too worried about ruining their chances with her so
they completely remove tension. This is the key to getting stuck in the
‘friends zone’.

A classic example from your post is:

Me: So what are you doing for now? I mean, what are doing at the
moment?
(Out of nervousness, asked two questions, but I was able to convey
straight to the point)
Her: I am driving to Canberra at the moment...

Me: My God, talk about wrong timing! =D
You asked her a question, she created tension, you diffused it
completely. No tension = predictability = no excitement. Women want to
be taken on an adventure, not be the adventure.

A more productive response would’ve been something like:

Me: What are you doing now?
Her: Driving to Canberra at the moment…

Me: What? Why aren’t you sitting at home waiting for me to call? This is
unacceptable… You’re definitely the worst girlfriend I’ve ever had! ;-)
When said from a place of fun and respect, pushing these kinds of
buttons in women is going to help you achieve much more success than
diffusing tension all together.

It is far more productive to get her angry than it is to diffuse all
tension completely. At least anger is an emotional response.

Once you really understand this concept, you’ll start to find it much
more fun interacting with women who try and push you away because as
soon as they do that, there is tension. You can have soooo much more fun
with a girl who tells you to get lost than you can with a girl who
simply responds positively to your advances.

Personally, I hate it when I approach a girl and she simply says ‘hi’
back. If a girl says ‘Piss off!’, there’s something to play with and
immediately tension in the air. All I need to do now is release it in
fun and unique way that demonstrates that I hold the qualities she seeks
in a Man. If I diffuse it like a typical nice guy then she’s going to
know right off the bat that I’m not the kind of guy she’s going to want
to spend her time with.

There are two major causes of not creating tension in an interaction;
one is an identity issue and the other is a projection issue.

With you, I strongly believe that it an identity issue that is linked
back to your desire to fit in; to be cool. Only you can know the real
cause but without having consulted with you about this specific problem,
do you think it has anything to do with that one girl that you really
wanted?

It could simply be a projection issue that is still left over from
before you dedicated yourself to improving this area of your life but
only you can tell.

Let me know,

LoGun


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:56 pm 
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Dr. Phil
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Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:07 pm
Posts: 217
Location: Anytime, Anywhere
Hi Leigh,

I really like the way you you use down to earth messages to figure out
sticking points so easily. It creates a sense of humility that no
matter how much I have improved, I know that I still have to keep
going in order to reach my goal through continues practice and
perseverance (And that just means I cannot hide anything from you.

Damn, I hate you for that! =D).

You are right about the problems that I have. With my projection
skills, what I found out about it is that I just need to be in more
situations for me to flow more and be more natural. In all honesty, I
really hate the thought of chasing skirt but I know that to improve,
my body has to get used to it a bit more. What I meant is that my body
still needs to learn to be in different situations since the
techniques that you, Steven and the rest of the instructors is more
than enough to progress. I am learning some techniques within my
ability, it's just that my body has not created a memory of it just
yet.

Another thing I noticed is that when I talked to her, I forgot the
fundamental technique in "pickup" and I think its the reason that I
felt a sense of hesitation in her: Breathing. I forgot to calm my body
down, since I called her when I was overexcited about the prospect of
"rapport." Rapport is something that flows naturally when I breathe,
lead (by expressing myself first), listen and caring (through relating
and rewarding by compliments). My fault on totally forgetting about
it.

If that is the case, I do not think that I did that badly in the
interaction but would the two weeks diminish everything I have worked
for? I am willing to give it one more shot, make the mistake and just
have fun with it (and borrow your line again =D).

And about the inner game, you are right as well. Just about a couple
of months ago, I stopped trying to be cool and trying to fit in. I
started to try being ME. To not care about how people look at me. I
just express myself, and those who are willing to play, I will play
well (ie two-way communication).

About the girl I can never have, she was my motivation and what really
got me started to get a fix on how I could get better with women and
life. Just last week, my friends were trying to set us up and I knew
she was going to be excited about it (She has not seen me for nearly 3
years and have confessed to my friends she really liked me. I even saw
her picture just recently, she is cuter than before). However, I knew

I can only commit to her half-heartedly. Even with the repeated
attempts to set us up, I always find a way to get away from it,
because I know that I would just break her heart if I do. I will put a
closure to it when the time is right. Because now, I am not doing this
for her, I do it for ME. When I think I am ready, I am more than happy
to accept her with a warm and open heart. That, at the moment, is what
I believe.

By the way, are you available for phone coaching sometime in the first
week of March? I would love to catch up with you and just chat about
stuff, both in and out of pickup.

Any comments would gladly be appreciated.

Thank you as always, bro' =D

- John


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