_________________
I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny

In my interpretation, Osho is saying that you should derive no happiness from enjoying another persons company. It's not about her adding no amount of happiness to your world. It's about not relying on her for you to experience a baseline level of happiness in your life.

I gain a great amount of pleasure from the women who are generous enough to grace my life with their presence. And if they weren't there, I would definitely be sad for a while, but the baseline level of happiness that I experience in my life from the way I engage my world wouldn't change.

Shiva, there's nothing wrong with the way you feel. If you're looking for a woman who you can be dependant on and you would like her to be dependant on you too, then that's fine.

It's natural that from time to time, people need to depend on each other for certain things but if you commence a relationship with the idea that being with this person is finally going to help you find the happiness that you've been searching for, then you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment and your capacity to love them for who they are will be greatly reduced.

Does that make it clearer?


LoGun

I think Osho's point is still very important here. We talk about how we want to be loved and have someone love us.

No feeling we experience comes from someone else, no one else can generate our feelings, they can effect them yes, but not make us feel things.

It's like when a girl is really attracted to you, and she makes it obvious she likes you, you cannot force yourself to like her back, nor is it your prerogative to settle for someone elses feelings.

I heartedly agree with I, but I also think that one of the biggest things AI pushes is the removal of a lot of outcome dependency issues, so that we can take control of our own lives rather than worry about the outcome and how it effects people around us. As to become more about ourselves, and not about pleasing the people around us.

This is important and Osho touches deeply on this.

I've been in love a few times, I've fallen for a few girls. It's never worked out.

My last exgf and I were on and off twice, now it wasn't perfect, infact it was one of tougher relationships I was in. I was really in love with the girl. She loved me, but our dependency upon each other being something that we weren't a mirage of perfection, lead to ultimate failure, and resentment, on both parts. We were too dependent upon the outcome of each other, if she cancelled, I'd get shitty with her. The fact I was going to leave her for to go back to university in Bathurst lead her to resent me. We relied too much on each other for our own sense of joy. My life wasn't full, it hadn't yet reached a middle ground of enjoyable, and she thought I could make her happy.

If your life isn't full, if your life isn't enjoyable and you rely on a girl for your source of happiness. What's going to happen to her? She's going to resent you, she's not going to see you as a man. She can't and will not, because you need her, to feel good. A man should be able to feel good with or without a women, having to rely on one to achieve an external sense of fulfillment means that his life is not really enjoyable.

This will leave you in a tight spot, she's going to test you to see if you are a man, and find out that you aren't. She might per-say tease you about not being able to see you. That's not going to be enjoyable, she's trying to remove the joy from your life? How's that going to make you feel? If she was to actually cancel, she's removed the joy. How would you feel if someone removed the joy? What if you met the girl of your dreams, and you couldn't bare to be apart from her? How is that going to effect your life and hers?

A man is his actions, they speak for him, about who he is, what he wants in life, where he wants to go. If his enjoyment and fufillment comes from one single person. How are people going to feel about him?

Love is amazing, but it can be all consuming, and that's not a bad thing! All I'm pointing out is, it's something that shared.

Love isn't something anyone else generates, it comes from within you. Being able to love someone and penetrate through them, brings you a whole world of new emotions, of feelings, and of deeper understanding of their self and their partner.

HOWEVER. If they were to go away, that mutual sense of fufillment would be lost and that would be sad, and the person should mourn that. It's something very special.

BUT they'd be able to go on, that person helped them feels these things, they did not however MAKE them do it. It was something they aloud themselves to feel. Therefore they won't resent the person for moving on, life is a journey, it's not about the destination, the person who knows they can continually enjoy life without a partner will move on, maybe a little hurt and upset, but they will move on, to continually find joy in there lives.

@Logun & Sly: I thought a lot about this post yesterday. You guys are right. I've never had a girlfriend, and to be honest, that's probably not the reason why I'm unhappy.

Now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind if I never had a girlfriend or got married in the future. However, it would make me sad if I never gave it my best shot. It would make me sad if I didn't get a chance to experience the pain and joy that dependency brings. I guess it is one of those things you have to experience first hand to really understand what OSHO is saying.

The point I think I was actually trying to make is that if there were no people left in the world, we couldn't be happy. We'd turn into Will Smith's character in the movie "I am Legend." Hence, I feel people and their company (and at times their love and affection) is important for one's happiness and sanity.

It feels good to have friends and family that care for you. Their love and support can empower you at times.

To come to the point: I'm really finding it hard to make new friends. Worse, the one's I have are really acting selfish these days with no regards to my feelings. This hasn't always been the case in the past. These guys are my really good friends and they mean the world to me.

Now, I don't expect unconditional love from anyone (not even from my parents), but there are a few things I wish that people I was close to did for me from time to time. I wish they appreciated the efforts I put in for everyone and the fact that I love them so much.

I wish they understood my feelings and where I'm coming from at times.

Here's what happened: Someone I'm really close to broke up with her boyfriend, who also happens to be one of my best friends. The 3 of us are like an item. We hang out together everywhere, share a lot of stuff one to one, etc. I'm really close to both of them.

I'm going to refer to them as girl and boy.

So after 3 years these guys decide to break up after lots of problems which have been simmering for some time now. The girl messages me and tells me that she doesn't want me to contact her for a few months, cos I'll strongly remind her of her boyfriend if we continued to hang out together. She said she'd contact me when she was ready.

I felt really bad for both of them, cos I love them so much. I completely understood what she was going through, and respected her wishes.

So yesterday, I learn from the boy that him and her have got back together again, probably as a temporary arrangement (they are highly dependent on each other). So he calls me today to come out for a movie with them.

By this point I'm really pissed. I tell him how this thing is hurting me. I tell him that I don't have an ON/OFF button like the girl. I'd feel bad if she did the same thing again. Anyway, the boy thinks I'm overreacting.

Now this fella is my childhood friend. We are best buddies. We are brothers. Been together for over 13 years. I thought he'd understand, but he doesn't.

So they go ahead with the movie totally disregarding my feelings.

Guys I'm really sick of people acting selfish like this. I understand they have problems. But it really makes me wonder why I'm hanging out with such people. And then it hits me. Cos I'm scared. I'm scared that all the years of friendship and time spent together will mean nothing. I'm scared I'll be alone. And that makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like a pussy.

Also, the fact that in the end people can be so selfish makes me wonder why we want to get emotionally attached with people in the first place.

I know I'm being bitchy. But this thing is hurting me. And discussing it with my friends, is only making it worse. I know they will call me back and probably apologize. But I'm sick of this shit.

_________________
I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny

You say they're being selfish by putting their emotions first when what you want them to do is put your emotions first. You want them to do what's best for you when they're doing what's best for them.

So your definition of selfish is doing what's in the best interest of yourself. Isn't that what you're asking them to do for you?

Is the problem here that they're not considering your feelings or that you're expecting them to consider your feelings? If you didn't selfishly expect them to consider your feelings over theirs, would you experience any pain and suffering around this issue?


LoGun

Logun. Thanks for your advice. I'm not like this with anyone, except for my closest friends. But I can see how I might lose them if I continue to be selfish. I'll try not being so selfish going forward.

Thanks.

The thing is that your desires are very real and there's no point in denying them. What I would suggest is finding out what the core of the desire is and then finding some way to achieve that without having to rely on one or two people for that.


LoGun

Thanks Logun. Your words are reassuring.

I thought about what you said, and there seem to be 3 reasons at the core of these problems which seem to be related:

1. I make my weight and finances an excuse for not following my passion and my desires. Instead, I let my fears dictate my life. I restrict my happiness severely by doing this.

2. Due to the above, I depend on those close to me to bring happiness and comfort in my life to a certain extent. I get pissed when I'm ignored or not invited by my friends to certain places or activities. I draw conclusions on my personality and on the strength of our friendship due to this.

3. This makes me frustrated and angry most of the times. I think it keeps me from making new friends as well. Due to which, I am limited to a few people in my life. I tend to get clingy and don't let them go, even if they are the kind of people who are not conducive to my growth. I start expecting too much out of them and get frustrated when I don't get what I want from them. And the cycle goes on.

I can see how working on point #1 should take care of the rest.

Also, I'm really looking forward to taking the Masterclass. I'm hoping it will help to some extent with these issues as well.

Thanks a million!

I forgot you were going to be part of the family very soon. I think it'll be really beneficial for you.

Look forward to it.


LoGun

Me too! Can't wait!

_________________
I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny